i don't know, for some reason every time i log into deviantart and check my messages (which is not very often) i feel the need to write a journal entry. because hey, i've somehow got over 100 watchers on this account and it's the least i can do to update you guys with a half assed summary of my life every couple of months, right? well, i'll at least try to make this entry longer to make up for the fact that my tumblr followers already know way too much about my life and you guys know next to nothing, assuming you haven't gravitated to my blog
i guess i'll start with the basics. that seems right. okay, well...i'm seventeen and a half, going into my senior year of high school. it's still very surreal. still trying to figure out when to take my sats, what colleges to look at, all that nonsense. my depression and anxiety basically plagued my freshman and sophomore years (i almost killed myself sophomore year due to my grades but i don't want to go into that too much. i was just really, really sad.), and while i managed to not fail any classes i still have a lot of catching up to do (see: gym credits) in order to get all my college stuff done and have a great senior year. and i'm at the point where i can believe that achieving that goal is possible. weird, huh?
high school has been a weird, emotional rollercoaster that was bad at first, but i started to get used to. that doesn't mean i'm not getting sick of going in circles and loops and need to get off so i can puke the pain away, but my junior year wasn't too bad. the highlights of the past few years have been joining art with my favorite teacher ever, and joining theater, where i've made the best friends i'll ever have, no contest. i've acted a few times, but next year i'm sticking to stage managing. theater is the thing that kept me from killing myself, so i'm really grateful that it's something i became committed to.
oh yeah, almost forgot to tell you guys that my hair has been 4 different colors. all through the course of my junior year. i went from my natural brown, to pink, to blue, to red, to purple, and now back to brown. that was the first time i had ever really experienced criticism, at least to my face. but i took it a lot better than i thought i ever would.
people would ask me, "livie, how do you pull off every hair color? how do you do such awesome crazy eyeliner every single day?" to that, i respond with what is quickly becoming sort of a life philosophy for me: i don't think about how good a certain color will work on me, or how big my eyeliner wings should be. i just sort of do it, and feel good about it, and that makes other people feel good about it too. faking confidence has been something that has been looked down upon by some people, but if you train yourself to fake confidence in yourself, soon it won't be fake anymore. that's one of the most important lessons i've learned throughout my struggle with mental illness. that, and don't be afraid to be happy
. no matter how small the victory may be. little moments of happy mean a lot in a sea of sadness. those moments will build up if you let them.
my depression and anxiety are still very much present, and i have a lot to work on, but i can say that i've gotten a lot better and i'm so grateful for that.
didn't mean to go on an entire heartfelt emotional vent there, but oh well. basically, i've been okay/pretty good (followed by an unsure shrug).
hope you guys are doing well. if my messages are accurate, only a few of my friends from here are still active, but i wish you all the best. hit me up on tumblr if you want to talk, i'm always around!